BIRMINGHAM - Local criminal, James Rayner, is one of the city's dark side. However, he has been saddened to find that he is number 11 on the West Midlands Police's Most Wanted.
Rayner, who mostly works the Bullring shopping mall, has stolen £4000, twelve credit cards, forty-two MP3 players, nineteen phones, two manuscripts, five tonnes of foodstuffs, twenty-four books, forty-seven DVDs and CDs, six musical instruments, and one virginity.
He has also smashed in fifteen stores, driven away in thirteen stolen autos, started four-hundred fights, and stolen 230 pieces of candy from babies.
However, with this amazing track record, plus only being caught 100 times, (all of these is within the past three months), he hasb't even made the West Midlands Police Top Ten, and has been nicknamed the Eleventh Man.
"It's shameful," he said in his safehouse in Northeast Birmingham. "Number Ten is Wicked Wally. He hasn't even moved out of his ma's house. But he's been caught on CCTV more times. Plus he works down in the Pallisades Mall. Sissy."
The Chief of West Midlands Police in the Central Birmingham Station said this: "Look. We have many budding criminals we know that. There are so many hopelesses in the tiny underbelly of Birmingham, but not all of them can be in the top ten. Who was this?" Our correspondent feigned digestive distress and ran out of the station to his idling bus, which left just as he got there.
He then went for another interview with Rayner.
"Good news," Rayner said. "I think I know what to do to get me number ten." He brandished a knife as our correspondent got rid of some digestive distress.