Written by Deafo
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Topics: Homeless, Housing, bench

Monday, 15 November 2010

image for Recently homeless given 'right to buy' park benches
'Hey, how come he's got a garage?'

The government has announced plans to allow people who have been recently made homeless to buy the park bench upon which they choose to reside, in a proposal echoing then Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher's right to buy scheme of the 1980's.

The move comes amidst fears that large numbers of the population will lose their homes as the governments recent 'Austerity Budget' begins to have an impact next year.

Prime Minister David Cameron unveiled the Coalitions plans via a press leak which cited a desire to give desperate people a stab at dignity before they finally sank without trace.

'We've all seen the Titanic and its wonderful conclusion where the young couple lose their lives in a cinematic experience of great beauty. Well replace the bow of the Titanic as it finally plunges asunder with an over crowded park bench and that's the kind of thing we're aiming for.'

He went on to say that there will be no direct correlation between the value of a park bench and the postcode within which they are contained, but potential tenants will be expected to submit themselves to a number of suitably tests, including a statutory toe count.

Leader of the Opposition, Ed Milliband said his party were concerned at the effect the plans may have on society.

'We feel there is a real danger that this proposal could be open to abuse, as parents desperate to educate their children at a particular school but finding they don't meet the criteria, may voluntarily squander themselves into homelessness in order to buy a park bench within that schools catchment area.'

The numerous park benches currently displaying commemorative plaques denoting the death of a previous occupant will be left in place, but future occupants of merit will qualify for the English Heritage's blue plaque scheme.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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