Written by Inhopeless
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Monday, 15 November 2010

image for Steven Hawking to Upgrade Firmware, Hardware
Image him, but in a shiny, robot suit. I know, holy shit.

CAMBRIDGE, ENG. - Steven Hawking, professor and smartest genuis in history, has told our reporter that he will update his system firmware, plus get some new parts.

Hawking who was diagnosed with some terrible condition in the 80s has been stuck in his computerised wheelchair, speaking out of a sythesised voice. But, not for long. The latest firmware update, which he has contructed himself, will enhance the synthesiser to form sentences like a normal person, with pitch modulation and - the ability to sing like Madonna.

"It is a very unique OS I have," the man himself said. "Suck that Microsoft. I can do whatever the hell I want."

Microsoft and Apple have aproached Hawking so they can install thier systems on his chair.

"'Piss off, I told 'em,'" he said. "I can invent my own junk outta pizza boxes and PVA."

The new update will also improve his brain efficiency from the 10% that everyone has, to over 90%, meaning he can watch a movie in his head while solving how to fly as close as possible to a black hole.

The hardware upgrades will do away with his chair, instead giving him legs and arms, which are capable of leaping high buildings and blasting off into space. They will also come equipped with machine guns so no other researcher trys stealing his ideas.

It will also contain Bang & Olsen speakers, in case he wants to get dancing.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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