Written by IainB
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Monday, 15 November 2010

image for Protestors gather over scrapping of bypass
Cross, don't cross, makes no difference

Britain's busiest road is not the M25, or indeed, any road in London, it is the A628 in Mottram, Greater Manchester. The road that connects Manchester to Yorkshire via the Woodhead and Snake passes funnels tens of thousands of cars a day from the M67 to the two passes, seeing thousands of tonnes of freight an hour pass down the narrow road in picturesque Mottram.

Local residents have been campaigning for twenty-five years to get a bypass that would more easily take cars from the M67 to the Woodhead Pass at Tintwistle. Four years ago, the request was granted by the Joint Manchester Executive and the Transport Minister after the Transport minister was stuck in traffic through Mottram on route to Sheffield for nearly five hours.

Plans were halted when anti-bypass protesters found a rare daisy growing in the wood that would be destroyed by the bypass. Last year, just before the election, the bypass scheme was set in motion again when it was discovered the daisy had been planted in the wood by the anti-bypass protesters.

Now the bypass has been scrapped.

The new Transport minister, Philip Hammond, has never been out of London and does not see the point on spending money on roads he will never use.

The anti-bypass protesters are ecstatic, whilst local residents and anybody who has ever been in the traffic on the A628 are less pleased.

"We are going to simultaneously press the pedestrian crossings on the A628 during rush-hour," said pro-bypass protester, Noel Carr. "And then, not cross!"

Anti-bypass protesters plan on trouncing this plan. "Every time they press the button," said Bertie Tree-Hugger, "we're going to cross the road!"

Local resident Gertie Heckinthwop has lived with the traffic for thirty years, and is resigned to the latest round of arguments. "Pressing or not pressing makes no difference," she said with a sigh. "The cars don't move anyway. Nobody will notice. It's been like this since Lowry were a lad, and it'll be like this when my grandkids have grandkids."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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