David Cameron has introduced an exciting plan to revive the nation. A Misery Measure. 'You will feel so much better if you are miserable' announced Conservative Central Office 'we are suffering from cold blasts due to our windows being removed by workers who came to the wrong house, so we should know.'
'We are Blue' revealed Cameron in an electric speech 'we want you to have the Blues. You will feel so much better.'
'Blue is the colour of the sky' declared George Osborne, speaking in the pouring rain outside the House of Commons. 'I am a miserable git and everyone else should be.'
'How about a Penis measure?' asked a miserable student.
'That would be discrimination against women' Cameron replied. 'Misery cannot only be for one sex.'
'One sex is pretty miserable' replied the flagging student, trying to keep up with Cameron's stunning logic.
'I don't mean that, you wanker' Cameron cried.
So confusion rained in Downing as the skies opened and a deluge descended. The misery index was ridiculed by some but it brought much pleasure to misanthropes throughout the kingdom.