Clarence House, Sunday 17 July 2005 (Associated Mess) Prince Charles's office announced today that a new design for an official Coat of Arms has been submitted to the College of Arms for Camilla, femme en titre of the Pretender to the Throne of Great Britain.
Based entirely on events in her colourful life, the new heraldic emblem features the official logo of the KGB held aloft in the hand of a masked female sniper standing outside the Libyan embassy in London, her booted left leg crushing a woman police officer who has been gunned down at point blank range.
A Riggs Bank cheque book and credit card are depicted on the left hand corner of the Arms shield, connected at one end to an oil pipeline in Ken Lay's back yard featuring the corporate sign for 'Enron' and at the other, an insignia showing the official heraldic medal of the Vatican's Sacred Military Constantinian Order of Papal Whores, Nazi Worshippers and Holocaust Deniers. A Saudi Arabian Central Bank Letter of Credit and Promissory Note from Prince Bandar for $5billion lies beneath a stylised map of the Shitt el Arab region of the Persian Gulf which the Enron oil pipeline crosses. This is flanked by an official CIA mugshot of Vladimir Putin who is seen siphoning off excess petroleum spirit from the pipe and feeding it to the North Korean Ambassador to the United Nations.
In the centre of the Coat is a minature portrait of Camilla's little known elder brother Lord Black of Cross Harbor festooned with heraldic regalia and P2 Lodge masonic portraits of the late Queen Mother, Margaret Thatcher and 'God's Banker' Roberto Calvi. They are each shown holding a copy of the Bible while swearing an oath at the Royal Courts of Justice, with fingers of the left hand crossed behind their backs. This grouping is emblazoned with Prince Charles's official personal ribbon "The Lying Rampant" which encircles a picture of Buckingham Palace.
Former US President Ronald Reagan is depicted on Ken Lay's right hand side, straddling a youthful George Walker Bush who in turn is depicted as performing an intimate act on Tony Blair. Meanwhile, Cherie Bush QC is seen bound, gagged and brimming with dollar bills from every conceivable orifice. However, her pixie-like botoxed visage is clearly grinning at former US President George Bush Senior who has clearly had to meet an urgent call of nature and is shown as obtaining relief by expressing bodily liquids onto a heavyweight UN tome entitled "The Rule of Law".
Finally, the Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fountain completes the colourful display. It is depicted with an illustration of Mayor of London Ken Livingstone seen paddling in its fragrant waters while an official from Thames Water tests the sparkling liquids for E-Coli infestation. A beaming Tessa Jowell looks on somewhat apprehensively in the direction of the approach of a horsedrawn carriage carrying HM the Queen, who is armed with an AK 47 machine gun and shoulder-held bazooka. Her convoy leads an official cortege consisting of Royal Parks Agency turbo-powered bulldozers bearing a landfill request form signed in triplicate with the House of Windsor official Seal of Approval in carmine wax.
The new Coat of Arms is expected to go on public display at Tyburn Gate later this week.