The Met Office today announced that anybody who was counting on a white Christmas is in for yet another disappointment, because it hardly ever snows at Christmas in the UK - usually, it's more like the end of January when we grind to halt because an inch or two of the white stuff comes tumbling down.
Although snowy scenes are a greetings card favourite, the reality is that it will probably be dark and gloomy and pissing down this Christmas - as it usually is.
"Christmas is a shite time for weather," a bloke who studies weather patterns in a specially adapted garden shed told us. "That's why we have Christmas in December. If it wasn't for Christmas we'd have absolutely fuck all to do at the end of December. It's usually just so cold, wet and bastard miserable that people can't be arsed going out, or going to work, so that's why we all stay indoors drinking ourselves stupid, wearing fucking daft paper hats out of crackers, inviting relatives around who we could never stand anyway and watching Noel bastard Edmonds talking to sick kids in some Godforsaken hospital. And eating turkey sandwiches for the following month. It's shit is Christmas. I'm staying in the shed and the rest of you can all just sod off."
How we love the Christmas spirit here in the UK!
More as we get it.