The coalition government "has conclusive proof" that yesterday's violence at the student protests was caused by benefit cheats with nothing better to do, according to the deputy prime minister, Nick Smegma.
It is thought that several dodgy looking individuals (including one in a motability scooter) were arrested in the vicinity of Millbank Towers, and after a spot of "essential" waterboarding (carried out by Americans whilst the government turned a blind eye), they confirmed that they were benefit scroungers who started the violence out of boredom and a complete disregard for the rule of law. They also admitted plans to kill many hundreds of people.
All of them now deny any wrongdoing, saying they took no part in any violence and were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, but have all been denied benefits for the next 3 years anyway.
Smegma, who was due to address LibDem students at Oxford on November 17th, has withdrawn from the engagement after realising that, actually, LibDems would rather have dinner with Judas Iscariot.