Following news yesterday that Network Rail and Jarvis Rail are being prosecuted over their roles at Potters Bar in 2002. The Government has been hastily preparing for the worst as it emerges that Network Rail could be subject to "Unlimited Fines" if found guilty.
It is rumoured that the Prime Ministers secretary received a call on the emergency hotline installed in her overnight accommodation from representatives of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II of England, Wales and all that is good; reminding the PM that if Network Rail closes they can not run trains and The Queen will not be able to continue to use public trains to save face.
The Prime Minister was awoken and advised. He authorised the warming up of the Governments contingency rail stock at Box Hill near Bristol. These engines and basic carriages have been kept in storage for many years in case of a nuclear strike so that the Royal Family and Government could be rushed to the secret underground war bunker near Corsham's top secret "Computer Centre". It is believed that these will be moved to the less secret Old Oak Common Rail Depot, run by First Great Western, where they will be refitted to Royal Standards so that The Queen can travel in dignity.
When we called the 24 Hour Press Office for the PM, at the Westminster Private Members Bar, we got this statement:
"The Prime Minister wishes to make it known that there are no secret trains at Box Hill, they are in fact already at Old Oak Common. Damn, was I meant to keep that secret? Don't mention that please.
"There are no secret trains being brought out to replace the train service that will almost certainly stop if Network Rail are fined more than they can afford. We are disappointed that the press believe that we would leave our commuting minions... err British subjects in the dark if the Courts were to turn out Network Rail's lights, so to speak."
When we transcribed the statement issued at the Private Members Bar, we believe that it says that trains will continue to run and there is no secret rail depot or computer centre at Corsham.
More lies as we get them.....