Written by Philip Wright
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Thursday, 11 November 2010

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"Apart from being morbidly obese, I am very healthy."

In a landmark ruling, an employer has been forced to grant five minute food breaks for his fat employees.

"Stubbies", a pencil sharpener manufacturer, based in Chorley, used to only allow smokers to go outside for regular five minute breaks during the day.

This was until their fattest worker, Barbara Round, took a stand.

"I'm not a smoker" Ms. Round, 44, told us, "Apart from being morbidly obese, I am very healthy. I always thought it was unfair that I was only allowed a half-hour dinner break, whereas smokers took extra time to go out and light up."

Ms. Round was so irritated by the unfairness, she contacted the police who told her to, "Please go away."

Undeterred, she got in touch with lawyers and took her boss, Arthur Sharpe, to court stating "Unfair working conditions."

"I work all day long." Continued Ms. Round, "Twelve-a-day smokers could in theory gain an extra hours break during the day... It's not fair on me!"

A judge agreed with the 44 year old, 23 stoner, and granted that all employees should be allowed to take breaks to, "enjoy a personal luxury."

The judge produced a dossier of activities that non-smoking workers are now able to participate in, for five-minute sessions during the day.

The list includes, sex, spirit drinking, reading horoscopes, showing affection to a pet, sit-ups, guitar playing, sunbathing and most relevant to Ms. Round, eating.

"I take regular breaks now and go sit outside with the smokers" Said a chuffed, Ms. Round, "They chew on their cigarettes and I chew on cake, sandwiches, crisps... whatever I want. It's wonderful!"

The ruling is expected to influence how other UK businesses operate.

"Stubbies" Boss, Mr. Sharpe, was less than impressed by the equality breakthrough, "She's a f***ing pig!" he barked to cameras outside the Courts, before being whisked away into a waiting vehicle.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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