Written by Herr Riballs
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Topics: Sex, Kids, Alcohol, Depression

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

A new study among 11 to 14 year olds has found that unhappiness at school can lead to an increase in sexual activity and a heavy dependence on alcohol.

The survey discovered that 96% of children who described school as 'moderately tedious' went on to drink cans of strong cider and indulge in sexual relations after.

A senior health minister was appalled at the shocking statistics. He said "We need to send out the message that kids need to find other activities such as joining a gym, helping out at the youth club, volunteering to help the elderly in our communities. That sort of thing."

And, he added, "As a last resort, 14 year olds could consider marriage. Countless studies have proved that there is a direct correlation between being married and a complete lack of bedroom activity; for many years in some cases."

However, although marriage deals with  stopping children having sex, there is a likelihood that wine consumption may still rise. Figures suggest that married people tend to drink because there is a)simply nothing else to do and b) spouses seem more interesting after a bottle of Blossom Hill. There are also growing concerns that social skills may be affected by watching reality TV shows such as the X Factor and What Peter Did Next.

Other leading sources have suggested that boys should join the priesthood in order to avoid having sex. However, the proposal has been rejected after it emerged that priests enjoy more sex than the average married couple; and often with the very children these measures are meant to protect.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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