Written by j.w.
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Topics: Trains

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

image for Train Squeeze Fear
Train Squeeze Arrives

The Department for Transport has planned for Disasters after 2014, when trains will be so packed with passengers there will be large numbers of dead.

'This is our contribution to solving the Pensions crisis' announced David Squeeze, top Transport Organiser, over the tannoy system at Waterloo station. Unfortunately very few people could hear his message and those that did thought if was something to do with train delays or cancellations. But your ace correspondent who noted the announcement down on his ever ready notebook.

I rang Squeeze later and asked if this was not a somewhat drastic means of dealing with the Pensions crisis. He was affronted by my remarks: 'It is not only Pensions at stake but our population is too big and it is in the national interest to deal with this problem.'

I tentatively enquired whether there was not a more humane way of dealing with Pensions and Over Population.

'More nonsense. How humane can you get?' he asked indignantly. 'We give people a ride and before they get to work they have snuffed it surrounded by others to keep them company.'

I feared I was getting nowhere with this kind hearted but mistaken individual. So I asked passing travellers what they thought of the scheme.

'I suppose after a few train loads of people have been removed' said one 'the trains will not be so crowded. However, I hope they clean the carriages out well.'

Another sympathetic commuter asked where the money had gone from the increased fares. It was a good question which I ventured to put to the irate David Squeeze. 'Why do you think I should know things like that. I have more important things to do.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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