London - (Honi Sott Qui Mal Y Penis)): The Gutter Principal King of Arms is gobsmacked: not since the Pope last demanded elevation to the Gutter's highest echelons has the diplomatic situation been so hideous.
But HM is adamant that the bestowing of the Order of the Gutter is entirely in her gift "so anyone objecting can jolly well farc (sic) off."
Her insistence to gong-up feckless warmonger George W Bush has seen the Order's officials scrape the bottom of the proverbial information barrel in an attempt to justify the whole sordid business.
The UK's top chivalry award is usually conferred for personal acts of valor towards the Monarch.
"Such as, er, keeping quiet about something - for instance secret Enron-fed offshore bank accounts!" Buckingham Palace's Lord Luce-Cannon suggested helpfully.
"Likewise, shredding unpleasant CIA dossiers about Princess Diana's arms dealing toy boys in Pakistan's fledgeling nuclear weapons industry could be seen as a great personal service," Luce-Cannon added.
Spoof archive sources have previously pointed out that Bush's deviant past includes royal cover-ups about his lurid forays into the London clubbing scene of the 1960s and 70s.
These were forever deleted from New Scotland Yard narcotics abuse records along with dozens of sex crime reports, IRA bombings and associated bank heists.
Gerry Adams once caught gonorrhea from the feckless Dubya.