It was revealed today that the government has run out of things to close down.
A spokesman for the Department of Trade and Industry said: "There has been a concerted effort over the last 30 years to close down as much of British industry as possible, and during that time we have managed to close down Textile manufacturing, Coal mining, The motorcycle industry, Deep sea fishing, Shipbuilding, Steelworks, The entire car industry The bulk of the armed forces, A good percentage of the Police and Prison service and North sea gas. We have also managed to get rid of The Railways, Energy generating plants and the phone network. Unfortunately, the result of this is that we are running out of things to close down".
As the bulk of the British workforce has been engaged in closing things down, this news means that if no action is taken soon an additional 2.3 million bailiffs, receivers and demolition workers face the prospect of unemployment. To counter this the government proposes to nationalise the nation's Fish and Chip shops, Hairdressers and Tyre fitting centres in order that they may be closed down thus avoiding greater numbers of unemployed.
It is thought that if the new measures are adopted, Within 15 years the country will consist solely of supermarkets, banks and charity shops - a bit like Harlow town centre.
God help us.