Oxygen is more harmful than crack cocaine when used from an early age, according to a study in the Glancet.
The report was authored by Professor Arthur Tuttykins, a former drugs adviser to the government who was sacked in 2007 for reporting findings factually.
It ranked oxygen as the number one on a list of dangerous chemicals versus 16 measures of harm to communities and end users.
Professor Tuttykins stated, 'Oxygen is often diluted with harmful chemicals such as carbon monoxide, that users are unaware of. We believe the time has come for a traffic light labelling system to highlight any undesirables. Without this, the effect on 'wider society' could be catastrophic. '
The widest member of society, Fatty Pom-Pom said the biggest threat to 'wider society' was gastric bands, in addition to the more concerning process of fat removal from processed foods worldwide.
'You are talking about reducing the size of a large proportion of the widest people in society. Oxygen is the least of our concerns.'
Dependency rates on oxygen are said to be highest in suburbs 8000 feet above sea level, with residents of White City council estates of particular concern.
Met Police Chief Sir Paul Stephenson said, 'It's almost impossible to regulate use. Stop and search measures have proved fruitless, given that what we are looking for can't be seen, or felt. But we know most people in the area are users.'
Government officials later moved to dismiss rumour of the most dependent being fitted with 'exhaust pipes' to extract harmful chemicals.
A Number 10 spokesperson said it was 'nonsense.'