David Cameron is set to face the condemnation of parliament following scrutiny of the smallprint in the "historic" military co-operation deal with France - which decrees Glasgow as an international nuclear-weapons testing facility. He will follow the humiliation with a hastily arranged press-conference attended by left-wing operatives but will be quick to stress the benefits of a raised city.
Speaking to a News of the World reporter sporting glasses and a greasepaint moustache, a Downing Street insider admitted "Of course Glaswegians will be disappointed with the loss of their lives, however the removal of Glasgow is essential to the Council's regeneration plans. In addition the fallout may create a more actively hospitable environment." The government knifes are expected to fall upon Alan Titchmarsh - Cameron's French teacher - if the ensuing controversy reaches scandalous heights.
While the British government implodes the French remain contrastingly nonchalent: when questioned, Nicolas Sarkozy responded with a cyncial smile and gestured towards miniscule French scribbles in the corner of the document. The president then slid between the hinges of his office door and dissapeared.
Negotiations are ongoing.