London - (Prenup Mess): Prince Charles fears for his life after discovering Camilla's special dietary needs, a secret divorce arbitration panel has heard.
Clarence House CCTV footage shows Camilla shapeshifting her way into a Goliath Turdeater Spider that preys on spousal excrement.
The midnight metamorphosis takes place anally - er...annually! - on Halloween in a goat sucking chupacabra moment of rampaging cannibalism.
Matrimonial lawyers heard this weekend how five previous husbands met their fate 'eaten alive' in the Parker-Bowels dungeons beneath her innocuous sounding Honeysuckle Cottage buy-to-(i)-let.
Royal Protection Racket officers posted at the couple's Highgrovel home today were issued with tasers following an earlier failure to sedate the psychotic duchess with a London Zoo rhinoceros house stun gun.
An NHS nicotine patch impregnanted with semen from her first husband, Yorkshire Ripper Peter Sutcliffe, used to do the trick to quell her voracious appetite.
However recent attempts to recharge its healing properties failed after the DNA mutated to a new Papal species.
Susan Boyle is 69.