With millions of people in the UK falling ill with flu or stomach bugs, a Birmingham corner shopkeeper whose grandfather came from Pakistan has been arrested and charged with releasing germs into the atmosphere in the name of Allah.
Zaffar Ali Khan, 25, was taken away at gunpoint having been told in no uncertain terms that if he resisted arrest he would be "mistaken" for a Brazilian. He was shown covertly filmed evidence of himself sneezing in a public place and was tortured until admitting that it was a deliberate ploy to infect all those around him.
A government statement, read by Samantha Cameltoe because her husband and his entire cabinet are all pretending to be ill in order to exaggerate the seriousness of the situation, said "This government is determined to win the war on terror, and people like Khan will not be allowed to bring misery upon the people of this great nation."
A disabled person, crawling along the ground because he can't afford a wheelchair anymore, retorted "That's the government's job!" and was roughed up by the police.