Written by Nick Hobbs
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Saturday, 30 October 2010

image for Ingenious: Local Man Bathroom Tiles House Roof
Some tiles, yesterday. Nothing at all like the tiles on Mr Ireland's roof.

An Oxfordshire man has been classed as an idiot and a genius, all in one week.

Barry Ireland, 37, had taken advice from a surveyor who had told him his roof needed re-tiling on his house in Bampton, Oxfordshire.

After contacting several contractors, he and his wife had decided that they could not afford the work to be carried out, so Mr Ireland's wife, Canvey, nagged him to undertake the work himself.

Eventually, Mr Ireland, with help from his son Sully, began work. However, having never attempted even the simplest of DIY jobs, this was going to prove to be a huge undertaking.

To lower costs, and simplify the work process, Mr Ireland purchased four tonnes of plain white 10cm x 6cm bathroom tiles, and a vast amount of tile adhesive and grout.

The two Ireland's set about tiling the roof, in a rather tricky herringbone pattern. They finished the project in five days.

Passers by had begun to talk about the tiling project, and Mr Ireland had become somewhat of a figure of amusement in the local community.

"How could one man be so dumb?" said Terry Cabbage, local B+B owner "I mean, who in their right mind would herringbone tile their roof, with bathroom tiles? He's made a mockery of our little village."

But their derision soon turned to awe, as an unexpected benefit was unfolding before their very eyes.

Locals had noticed that the Ireland's house was never bothered by pigeons, or in fact any life form. The bathroom tiles were so slippery that birds, squirrels and other rodents found it impossible to maintain a grip on them.

Also when it rained the water just slid straight off the roof instantly. And Mr Ireland was able to simply jet wash the tiles once a week, and because they were fixed with extra strong adhesive, there was no possibility of loosening a tile, and thus having it injure somebody below. The same could be said for high winds.

Barry Ireland was soon hailed as a genius, and more and more people are queuing up to have him come and re-tile their roofs for them. He has now started his own company, Silly Tiles.

Speaking to Mr Ireland later, he admitted that his main deciding factor for his unusual choice of tiling method for the roof, was simply down to the fact that the only book on the subject of DIY that he owned, only covered bathroom tiling, and not roofing. It was this, and this alone, that gave him the idea.

Hail the genius.

##BREAKING NEWS##BREAKING NEWS##

Mr Ireland has reverted back to an idiot, and his company has been shut down.

An aircraft flying out of nearby RAF Brize Norton crashed in fields near Bampton, when the pilots were literally blinded for life, by dazzling sun reflected off of the Ireland's bright white roofing tiles.

RAF chief, Sir Augustus Wilbur Orville Wright, said "the man's a fuckin' idiot."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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