Written by Nick Hobbs
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Topics: School, Mice, conkers

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

image for Madness: School Bans String After Attack On Mouse
A mouse, yesterday.

In a prime case of the world going mad, a primary school has banned string from it's playground, after an 8 year old pupil hung a mouse from a fence post.

The boy, who can not be named due to lack of proper reporting (I forgot to write it down), was bored after the banning of conkers. But lax officials forgot to ban string.

"The banning of conkers was widespread throughout the country," said Mike Killjoy, Minister For Banning Fun On Tenuous Health And Safety Excuses, "however, we, as a department, didn't implement phase 2 quickly enough, which was the banning of the string that was used to support the conkers within a playground mainframe."

"This unfortunate series of events has led to the death of a mouse, and I can't apologise enough to the family of the victim," he continued.

The boy was seen chasing a mouse at morning break-time, and he is believed to have cornered it sometime before the bell brought them back to class. Keeping the rodent in his pocket, he was seen sprinting towards the fence in his lunch hour. The details of what happened next are unclear.

"The body of a small rodent, Apodemus Sylvaticus, or wood mouse, was found shortly after lunch break," read Detective Sergeant Noffun, "it was found hanging from some string, the type usually associated with conkers, which had been tied around it's neck on fencing at the school grounds."

"The body has been removed by ambulance staff, and scene of crimes officers (SOCO's) are conducting tests in and around the area. The family of the deceased are being traced," Noffun continued.

Why the child saw fit to hang a defenceless mouse remains a mystery, but what is fact is that if conkers had not been banned, then it would be a horse chestnut seed dangling from string, not a rodent. Banning string will just cause more problems, and will tie up our already over-burdened teaching staff in ludicrous lunch time policing.

"The boy should be strung up, with his parents!" said Penny Highorse, local school govenor, "it's abhorrent to think one of our children is capable of such an act of violence, where were the parents? Probably out working, just dropping off their children at school, and using it as free childcare!"

The child has been put into temporary care, and his string has been confiscated.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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