London - (Artefux): Since the dawn of time the billion year-old amethyst skull has nestled under the foundations of the TV pundit's back side - er...yard!
This weekend the London Abasement Company's builders were gobsmacked when a mystery object unearthed in a Barnes cellar dig turned out to be a legendary pre-Atlantean crystal artefuct.
"This could change the hystery of civilization as we know it," Rottenborough's cleaning lady Doris Toggle commented as British Museum archaeologists flocked to SW13.
"All hail to the Ancients' Chosen One."
At Hellfire Club HQ in Mayfair, London a hastily convened extraordinary general meeting of the Illuminati drew parallels with a 'twin' amethyst skull found on Mars by Israeli psychic Uri Geller.
The ex-Mossad spoonbender once commented that extraterrestrial quartz crystal skulls were previously used by Earth's spacefathers in the seeding of the human species.
In a 2008 Spoof interview Geller explained that the original Mars find was carved from a single chunk of Cydonia rock by the inter-galactic warlord Orion.
"The purple stone prototype has awesome powers to heal mental illness," Geller nused, "as well as excising tumors, honing memory, improving spelling, curing homosexuality and generating psychic particle waves involved in the creation of genius."
His theories, published in the International Journal of Space Psychobabble, also queried whether a psychic mind-meld with the skull could result in staggering mental regeneration that bends time/space at will, teleports, creates matter from void and predicts the lottery numbers in the Eurosquillions lottery.
Read the 2008 article right here.