Seven Romanian children between the ages of nine and sixteen have been found working in a magical forest in Worcestershire.
The children were discovered by the Gangmasters Licensing Authority (GLA), who described the situation as 'disturbingly quirky'.
Linda Boyle, of the GLA, said: 'I had heard rumours that children were picking mushrooms in forests locally, and decided to go and have a look for myself. It was disturbingly quirky. I tiptoed over to watch them work; they picked the mushrooms, then they dried them, then they sold them to a man in a hooded pullover. If they didn't give him enough, he lovingly whipped them with the handle end of a firearm. They held some back and made me a mushroomy cup of tea, as they had no herbal shit. Look. Everything is covered in glitter'.
Ms Boyle pauses before continuing: 'They are all quite short, therefore have been taken into police protection until suitable accommodation can be found for them. I feel pretty. Oh, so pretty. I feel pretty. And witty. And bright'.
The children were all adequately dressed for the cold conditions, in lovely green suits, pointy shoes and hats with bells on the end. 'Safety was not an issue', stresses Ms Boyle. 'The bell-ended hats ensured the other elves heard them coming. They were having a fucking wonderful time. Fucking wonderful'.