In yet another masterful PR stroke of genius, Wayne Rooney's Agent, Paul Stretford, claims Roo has forgone his $150k birthday bash, and is off to Helmut Province via Dubai 'to kick a Tali for Old Trafford' in an effort to quell
a public outcry over the perceived greed of the petulant punter.
In a prepared statement read to the media, purportedly written by the articulate 25 year old striker, Rooney has vowed to make amends and prove that he is not the greedy, spoiled, power hungry, woman chasing Chav he has been portrayed by the local tabloids. "After all, " said 20% Stetford, the lad ain't runnin for office is he, now?"
According to the news release Rooney, described occasionally as a member of the Tuber family of vegetables, allegedly said, " Me heart bleeds Union Jack Red, always has, always will, I'm willin' to lay me life on the line for me mates, and that's why I'm heading off to Helmut...them Tali's need a right good kick in the bollocks and that's what I'm aimin' to do...as soon as I catch me breath and Coleen does a mite of shoppin' in Dubai!"
While in Helmut Roo will be traveling in his personalized, heavily armoured Land Rover outfitted with 'Roo Guards', (iffn' it ken bash those bloody Men in Black, guess it will do for Mahmoud as well,"), and in a convoy of US Abram Battle Tanks lent to the Brits since they just scrapped their Challenger 2's in an austerity move this week.
Commenting on his stiff resolve and personal courage, Stretford said, " He's got guts my lad, if he could face off against the Men In Black, what's a few
Tali's to him....he's goin' into battle with Bacon on his breath, and Sir Alex on his side...and may Allah help those heathen devils!"
Rumours of a knighthood are circling around London, especially, if as rumoured, Roo comes up with the $350k required by a high ranking FIFA official to swing the World Cup England's way in 2018.
A smirking Stretford snickered snidely, "After all, It's all about money in the end, innit? If someone calls you a half baked potato, it sure don't hurt to be a 'loaded' one....git me drift?"