Under new government proposals, asylum seekers reaching the pearly gates of Dover will be forced to take David Blunkett's new "Citizenship Classes" before being accepted as British Citizens.
Under the new rules, asylum seekers will now have to learn to "...destroy public property, vandalise people's cars" and take lessons at "bottle-stabbing".
The proposals suggest that all incomers 'do as we do', and take a four-week course in mindless violence, the final week of which is to be spent partying in Falaraki.
After the four week training period, anyone who wishes to remain in Britain can do so legally, as a British Citizen.
"It's going to be brill!" said Mr Blunkett. "The best thing will be that they'll quickly learn English properly, getting used to phrases like: 'Wotchyoo lookin at?' and 'You're havin' a giraffe!'"
Blunkett's proposals have been criticised as 'short-sighted'.