Written by Karina Evans
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Saturday, 23 October 2010

A teacher incapable of teaching stuff has been banned from teaching for life.

Simon Nobody was head of business studies at a community technology college in Hungerford, despite being unable to read, or turn on a computer. His utter crapness was discovered when one of his pupils was caught smashing open a computer hard drive to retrieve some lost files; a move, he states, was suggested by Mr Nobody.

Mr Nobody has taught at various schools in the South-East of England for the last 13 years. Former pupil, Matt Brown, states 'he taught us how to draw a fucking good vagina. And that picture with the big nose over the top of the wall. Although, he struggled a bit with the graffiti element'.

The John O'Gaunt Community Technology College gave Mr Nobody extensive support for more than a year, but he failed to improve. General Teaching Council committee chair, Rosalind Burford, said: 'Mr Nobody, they gave you support; there's no fucking excuse; they accepted that you may need extra help and tried to teach you the alphabet, albeit phonetically. You failed to plan lessons effectively, preferring to stand at the front of the class throwing stuff and drawing giant penises on the whiteboard. This resulted in a lack of pace and challenge in your lessons. You're fired. Forever. Fuck off'.

Mr Nobody says he will appeal against the GTC decision: 'I will appeal. I liked being a teacher. Since being fired, I have learnt to sing the alphabet and can now recite my two times table, OFF BY HEART. I am being used as an escape goat, although I am not completely sure what that means'.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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