Hot on the heels of Susan Boyle's impending second album, details of her third CD are starting to emerge.
"We have analysed her demographic, and come to the conclusion that only very old religious women with red scarves and wealthy husbands listen to her music," said a fictitious record executive. "Despite selling many millions of copies of her first CD to a wide variety of people with varying musical tastes, we have decided only to cater for the old dears in red scarves. Therefore, her third CD will be called 'Great Dirges To Make You Feel Depressed'," continued the executive.
It is expected that all songs on this third CD will be slowed down to no more than half the original tempo, and will be sung with a choir of candle-holding white robe-clad children for no obvious reason.
"We can't have anything too racy on there! We don't want the old dears having a heart attack!" said another fictitious executive.
"Oh goody!" said some old dear in a red scarf. "I can't be doing with any of this modern stuff at all. I last bought a record disc on 78rpm back in 1925, and that was racy enough for me," continued the old dear.
"Oh this doesn't sound good at all," grumbled some generic people praying. "We wanted just religious music. Anything other than hymns is the work of the Devil!" they moaned.
The release date of the CD hasn't been revealed, but it should be available in any good nursing home, old folks home, or church, but probably not many record stores.