Despite a massive attempt to cover it up, the UN has confirmed that England fired a nuclear warhead at fellow United Kingdomite Scotland, and tried to hide it by wrapping the nuke in a submarine.
"England has succeeded in committing an act of cowardice heretofore only seen committed by France," said the report from the UN's Committee On Sh-tty Acts. "By firing the most insidious of weapons, a nuclear warhead, at Scotland."
"That they chose to hide the warhead inside a powerful attack submarine makes this already deplorable act particularly reprehensible.
"We did not attempt to fire a nuke at Scotland, not that they don't f--king deserve it," said the President of London. "This is not a nuclear incident. We simply lost control of a nuclear attack submarine, and drove it into the Isle Of Skye. Which... well, I guess that makes it a nuclear incident."
The HMS Astute, which was just commissioned in August, is a "highly complex feat of naval engineering, at the very cutting edge of technology," noted the British Defence Ministry, which is so special it gets to spell 'defense' with a 'c'.
Maybe it's scotland I hate / I know I hate so many things about it.
I hate the way punishments are the heart of everything,
I hate the way parents beat their children,
I hate the way everything always has to be someone's fault,
Even though some things just happened,
Some things just happened!
---lyrics by Ballboy
"Of course, that cutting edge technology didn't keep us from slamming the submarine into Scotland," said the Defencce Minicters.
The submarine will continue to undertake sea trials, said the Defence Ministry, admitting that they will spend a bit more time on "Don't Drive Into A F--king Island" practice.
The ministry said the sub can carry a mix of up to 38 Spearfish heavyweight torpedoes and Tomahawk land-attack cruise missiles, which, you know, would make one think that the Brits would make extra sure that they wouldn't pilot the craft into a f--king land mass.