Isle of Skye - (Stuxnet Mess): "And their South Ronaldsay satanic abuse scandal separatist feminist lesbian partners!" an Admiralty source chuckled today as a flaccid HMS Astute limped back to port.
Designed to sit in a puddle without attracting radar attention the flagship stealth sub regularly monitored daftasss SNP telecoms and online traffic.
Last July it became the GCHQ's top floating listening post in a covert stalking mission tailing the Queen's 'austerity' Western Isles cruise.
It has also collected the dirt on all manner of Scots bottom feeders like LibDem rascal David Steel, JK Rowling and Prince Charles' holiday home staff at Birkhall.
Two years ago the captain of the vessel's sister sub HMS Superb was court-martialled after hitting a sandbank in the Red Sea south of Suez.
His craft was towed back to Portsmouth for decommissioning after repair estinates calculated it would be cheaper to build a new one.
The disaster followed similar mishaps to HMS triumph and HMS Victoria.
The Titanic sank in 1913.