Isle of Skye - (Pie-in-the-Sky Mess): Fears that the Stuxnet virus may have sunk the latest and most sophisticated British nuclear submarine have shaken the MoD.
The billion pound attack stealth vessel was last seen listing badly off Scottish territorial waters during gruelling sea trials.
Armed with 38 Spearfish heavyweight torpaedoes (sic) and Tomahawk Land Attack Cruise missiles it is a deadly war machine capable of levelling the Kremlin from 3,000 miles.
Admiralty sources said today the sub's special capabilities included the monitoring of mobile phones, emails and other telecoms traffic linked to the UK's war against terra.
TV news sources commented today that the vessel was 'grounded on rocks' - in a possible reference to the minors' boulders that Chilean President Sebastián Piñera gave to the Queen on Monday.
Reports that it had been lying quietly off the Isles of Sky waters waiting to pick up a consignment of royal crack cocaine for the Queen were quickly dismissed.
Last summer the Queen's $400,000 austerity sea cruise saw the entire sordid faux monarchy tribe sail around Scotland in a bid to set up the rendezvous for their illicit Colombian contraband.
Captain Marko Ramius is in detention.