The secret of what has been lurking in Margaret Thatcher's basement all these years has finally been revealed...and its a shocker.
Neighbours have long known that something sinister was down there, but were amazed when they found out what it actually was.
It was found by the same burglar who also tried to steal Naomi Campbell's diamond bath plug. This Burglar was so horrified by what he found in Lady Thatcher's basement that he reported it to the police straight away. Even though he was endangering his own freedom by doing so.
He said: "I knew I could be arrested for what I had done, but what I found in Margaret Thatcher's basement was such a threat to the world, I had to put my fellow countrymen before myself and do the right thing"
The Burglar says he was busy burgling Lady Thatcher's house, whilst she was in Hospital, when he came across an open basement door with a massive broken padlock attached to it. The padlock looked as if it had been broken by the force of something escaping with menace.
The Burglar admits he was terrified, but he just had to go down into the subterranean room to find out what had been left behind, just incase it was valuable. But he didn't find anything worth selling. He found a scary, secret, Dungeon laboratory.
It is a well known fact that Lady Thatcher was a Chemistry Graduate before she was PM, but what no one knew about was her renewed interest in her first career after her political career ended. The minute she retired, she set about building her lab and carrying out experiments. She also did a bit of body snatching from the local morgue.
THEN SHE CREATED A MONSTER.
She tried to create his brain as a duplicate of her own, but she couldn't, and she soon lost control of her creation. He was too strong for her, and he soon became an embarrassment.
So she locked him in the basement and forgot about him. But whilst he was down there, he created a friend, and together they set about making plans to escape from their dungeon and take over the country.
The monster was called Tory Boy Dave. And his friend was called Slasher Osborne. The monsters were said to have escaped sometime around January on a mission to make fat cat bankers rich again, just like Maggie had done in the 80s, so they could make their master proud. And indeed this would have made Maggie proud if it was the only thing they desired, but it wasn't. Maggie knew they wanted something else, too. They wanted to...
EAT POOR PEOPLE FOR DINNER.
Yesterdays benefits slashing horror was the first step in the monster's plans to starve the poor people before they round them up and eat them.
Tory Boy Dave was heard to say "No one wants to eat a fat poor person, do they. Of course, not. Lets starve them a bit, so they're nice and lean and cook better on the spit roast"
A Labour insider commented on the situation last night by saying "These are Thatcher's creations, these are her children. We're now reaping what she sowed, and the Wolf is now at the door waiting for the poor to starve."
Upon being asked what he thought the poor people could do to prevent being eaten, the labour insider said. "Don't lose weight. Keeping eating, all day every day. So long as you're fat, the fat cats won't want you. Eat chips, crisps, pizzas, cream cakes, anything you can lay you hands on.. just...just don't get thin."
With that dire warning the labour insider disappeared into a foggy Autumn night with his pet Iguana, and he was last seen headed for the secret Maffia Pizza shop that is best known for selling illegaly large pizzas.
By Katarina Frogpond.