Written by Sidney Bollocks
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Topics: Sex, Marriage, Divorce

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

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Anybody for pocket billiards?

Over 40, married, lack of interest in sex and lost intimacy. Sadly, this is the lot of many spoofers, as their partners start filing for divorce.

On top of a day's work, many spoofers spend endless hours, valiantly trying to entertain the satire hungry public. This is often achieved only at great personal cost to the spoofer. We tracked down one such spoofer and asked him to tell us his harrowing personal story. It is not a pretty picture, but one which is becoming all too familiar.

Sidney Bollocks, or Scrote to his close friends, is a sad example of this new social phenomena. He is a professional person with a difficult and demanding job. He works long hours and struggles to find that elusive work/life balance. He began spoofing as a means of sharing his sense of humour, venting his spleen and generally being able to take the piss out of whatever took his fancy. He quickly found that spoofing became addictive, being driven on to write more and more by the '5 thumbs' an appreciative audience occasionally bestowed on him.

After a month or so of spoofing, Sid arrived home from work to find a packed suitcase on the doorstep, the doorlocks had been changed and his computer was in the wheelie bin. Pinned to the front door was a letter from his soon to be ex-wife. She was distraught and accused him of not loving her, not finding her attractive and not being interested in sex.

"That's bollocks, that is", says Sid, "I've not lost interest in sex, I just don't want to have sex with the missus anymore. She's not the looker she once was. She's got varicose veins you could climb up, her arse drags along the ground, she tucks her tits in the top of her pop socks and, after years of chewing Old Holborn, her teeth look like the sluice gates at the local sewerage plant. She just doesn't give me the horn these days".

Sid went on to say, "There was just a brief time when sex couldn't have been further from my mind. All I wanted was the '5 thumbs'. Getting that was better than an orgasm. But then I saw an advert, which kept appearing at the bottom of the webpage, when I was doing my stories. It told me that Russian girls were looking for me and would probably want to have sex with me. I clicked on the advert and have never looked back. I've found the new love of my life and she will soon be coming over from Russia. Her name is Ekaterina Crotchovich and she was a silver medalist in the womens' shot put final at the Moscow Olympics. She wants to be looking her best for when we get married, so she is staying in Russia for a couple more weeks, just to have some facial hair removed and to have her scrotum and penis remodelled into a vagina. While I'm waiting, there are ample internet sites which cater for such sexual tastes, which is all power to my left hand".

MI6 are in the process of vetting Ekaterina. A spokesman said "We just need to be sure that she is not being used as part of some honey trap operation".

Make Sidney Bollocks's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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