Buckingham Palace and Her Majesty Elton John have reacted strongly to reports that a bum was smuggled into Sandhurst Military Nursery by a leading chip paper distributor.
The bum, unnamed but known amongst the intelligence community as a Big Issue seller on Tottenham Court Road, remained undetected for several hours despite "a frightful smell" and many empty cans of Special Brew. Video footage clearly shows the street dweller sitting on a bench bemoaning his terrible life and picking up fag ends.
The Palace has denied that the cadet in the footage is Prince Harry. They suggest it is someone else. With ginger hair. And a Crown. And a bag of hashish in his back pocket.
At no time were any of the cadets in danger of meeting the "suspect package" although an insider said a loud Scottish accent was heard in the Mess just before dawn. One cadet has been sent home to his parents in the Cotswolds to recover and plans to join the "Asylum Seeker Hunt" this weekend.
This is the most recent security disaster for the Palace. Last year "comedy terrorist" Osama Bin Laden flew two "comedy planes" into Prince Phillip. Only last month Prince Charles married Camilla Parker Bowles in what many regard as a major breach of "good taste". Yesterday Princess Anne was arrested after her dogs tore a small child apart in Windsor Great Park. She is likely to be sentenced to a two week fact finding mission to Mystique.
Security issues have been front page news for some time now in the United Kingdom. Roxy Music's Bryan Ferry recently stunned the media and the SAS by successfully breaking into the Houses of Commons and throwing "purple stuff" at President Toni Blair.
Prince Harry is said to be unharmed and will be spared a towel whipping this evening. The Prince has been at the Academy for just two months but has already impressed his fellow cadets with his "plummy" accent and nice eyes. He is now 3-1 Favourite to win this years Big Brother.
The bum is now being lined up to join the crew on Celebrity Love Island and has expressed an interest in "getting to" Charlotte Church.
David Beckham refused to comment as it had sod all to do with him.