The story that Glastonbury 2012 is to be cancelled due to lack of portaloo facilities, has tonight been exposed as a hoax. It is a mis-truth that is believed to have originated with Amy Winehouse, who thought it would be funny to spread the rumour to see how far it went.
She created the rumour whilst standing in a queue at her local high street branch of a well know chain of chemists. She had just purchased her monthly supply of eyeliner and was annoyed that she had to wait in a queue full of other Amy Winehouse lookalikes, who had all decided to buy their monthly supply of eyeliner too.
Because Amy and her lookalikes needed a whole shopping trolley full of the inky, black substance, it took a long time to put all that eyeliner through the till. So Amy was left bored, and suddenly she decided to tell the person in front of her a great big lie, just to pass the time. She told her that she had wanted to do Glastonbury in 2012 but it was being cancelled because all the Portaloos had been pre-ordered by the Olympics. Amy thought this story would spread a little bit quicker if she added six more words- so she did. She added. "Don't tell anyone. Its a secret"
The woman looked excited but managed not to tell anyone else in the queue. But when she got outside the shop, she told her friend and her 2 year old baby in its pram all about the terrible Portaloo shortage scenario.
Her friend then told her hairdresser, who just happened to be Fantastic Mr Tony who did Katie Waissel's hair. Fantastic Mr Tony then proceded to tell Katie Waissel, who told Cheryl Cole, who then told Simon Cowell, who then told Krishnan Gurumurthy to read it on the Channel 4 News. And then Krishnan told the world.
And that's how everyone in the world now knows that Glastonbury 2012 is to be cancelled. Except its not. Its a lie. Its a great big story made up by Amy Winehouse.
Amy Winehouse laughed when she heard it on the news, and said she couldn't believe how everyone fell for it. She is believed to have said. "How can people believe that Glastonbury could shut because there's no loos. Glastonbury is a cow field. Its full of cow poo all year round. No one uses the portaloos in Glastonbury, they wee in the woods...everyone knows that."
Fantastic Mr Tony, however, is said to be very angry. He has had his faith in the power of hairdressing gossip destroyed. He used to believe that anything he heard from his customers was true. He believed that the hairdresser's chair was like a confessional box...but now he knows differently. Its just a place for great big, second hand, Amy Winehouse lies.
He says the only way Amy Winehouse can make ammends for this terrible tale, is if she allows him to style her hair for her next big show. Otherwise he's going to spread a rumour of his own, all round London, that Amy's got no hair - that underneath her beehive she is entirely bald. He is also toying with the idea of saying her hair is also inhabitted by mice, but he thinks people might not believe that.
By Katarina Frogpond.