The NHS is to extend its use of chemotherapy beyond cancer patients, and to teenagers who listen to unrelentingly poor music and wear excessive amounts of black cosmetics.
These so-called "Emos" have been classed as a health and safety risk by the government, who are concerned about members of the public tripping over their unnecessarily baggy apparel, and potentially being prodded by an ill-advised lip piercing.
It is believed that by bombarding them with high levels of chemicals, it will be possible to kill off some of them, and leave the rest too sick to offend the wider community with their shambling nonsense.
The Home Office released a statement:
"We have tolerated these 'Emo' children long enough; nobody should be forced to listen to Bullet for My Valentine every time they simply walk within hearing distance of a public bus stop.
We recognise that these children are angry at their parents for some perceived slight or other - but not being allowed out past 8pm on a school night is not a good enough excuse for being such insufferable bell-ends.
Our new CHEMO FOR EMOS, or EMOTHERAPY, plan will help give these children something to really complain about. Then at least they will have some justification for being so bloody miserable."
Early tests have proved encouraging, but have had the undesired effect of seeing a huge slump in the black hair-dye market. However, freshly-bald emo test subjects have taken to colouring-in improbable fringes using black marker pens - which have now skyrocketed in price due to demand and currently retail at £79.99.
Researchers are also looking into a possible parallel course of therapy, provisionally called Electro-Goth Treatment (EGT).