Written by Monochrome
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Thursday, 9 June 2005

image for Prince William - "I want to be King of People's Hearts. Yah?"
Met Some Really Great Ordinary People

Prince William has spoken of his desire to make the monarchy relevant in the modern world. "We can't live in the past. The days are gone when the people of Britain would accept a king who is out of touch with them and the world. A modern monarch has to have a firm and substantial knowledge of politics, economics, finance, trade issues, current affairs, industrial relations and environmental matters to name but a few. I'm really into all that stuff." Said the prince who has spent four years at Edinburgh University studying Art History.

"I intend to be a king who is in touch with the people, ‘The King of People's Hearts' yah? I will send my aides out to meet ordinary people and find out just what they want. Then I can instruct my government to act in the way in which I is think best.

"My family have always been a great influence in my life, we're a very close family, when I was young my nanny took me to see them on several occasions, I've even met The Queen a few times, she's a nice lady, always got someone to give me some chocolate and told me, ‘Sit up straight, keep quiet and don't touch anything!'

"Whenever I've met my Grand Father I've asked for advice on being a good head of state and he always tells me the same thing, ‘The common people of this country are all bastards and peasants. Never forget that and you won't go far wrong.'

"My Father has always been a great influence and a great advisor he told me only last week, ‘Don't go near that big oak tree at the bottom of the garden; there's a green goblin who lives in the branches and he stole my collection of antique shoe laces.' Like, wow! You don't get advice like that every day. I'm not going near that tree any more; he's not having my collections of redundant Civil Service rubber stamps or chewing gum wrappers!"

The prince was happy to comment on his brother Harry's recent Nazi costume faux pas and said, "Yah, big mistake! Being a prince and third in line to the throne and all that; old Hewitt - as we call him - should have dressed as a much higher ranking officer, at least an Oberstgruppenfuhrer."

He then spoke about University and his future.

"I think I'll join the army, Harry's having a great laugh shouting at peasants and ordering them about! Uni's been real fun though. My security guys have vetted some really great ordinary people for me to meet, especially girls, yah? Some of them'll do anything to meet a prince. Like, wow! But yah, it's been quite tough. I've really had to learn to stand on my own two feet and I've had no one to help me; except my footman, butler, nanny, cook and security of course. It's been really good for me to rough it like other students who have to get by on a loan and all that."

The Prince was then asked if he had a student loan.

"Nah, I don't really do money." He replied. "Got people to sort that sort of stuff out for me. Yah?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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