The Department of Home Affairs has announced that next year's 85th birthday portrait of the queen will show her sitting naked, except for her crown, cross-legged on a tank in the Iraqi desert.
A Buckingham Palace source stated that the royal genitals would be protected from view by an ermine merkin with inlade rubies and garnets. The merkin is being designed by WouldUwearThis, a top designer fashion house, and will be held in place by hidden hairclips.
We understand that make-up artists from the BBC's 'Strictly Come Dancing' have been put on alert to possibly administer a spray tan to the royal dermis. Prince Philip has, apparently, demanded that the tan is not too dark, he is reported as saying, "Don't want the queen looking like a darned fuzzy-wuzzy does one!"
The barrel of the tank will be strategically placed so no nipples will be visible.
The Queen has said that she is quite happy to pose nude and chose the artist Tracy Ermine because of her reputation of never painting anything which looks like what it is supposed to be, but has ruled out any swear words or body functions appearing on her portrait.