WATERLOO, Iowa - Lifelong Iowa hog farmer Pervis Diddlydoo told a reporter for The Waterloo Daily Cornshucker that last Tuesday as he was in bed with the Mrs. he heard a rumbling sound.
Pervis got up, put on his farming boots, and went outside to investigate. He walked out to the pig pen where he noticed that right smack dab in the middle of the pig pen a volcano had suddenly formed.
Diddlydoo called out to his sons Pervis Jr., Wilbur, and Winchester and together they managed to move the 47 traumatized-as-hell hogs from the pig pen over to a secondary pig pen next to the trailer house where his 87-year-old mother-in-law Eunice Maxine Dumplinfield lives.
Eunice Maxine quickly got dressed and went outside to see what all the commotion was about. Pervis Senior told her that overnight a volcano had started to form in their main pig pen.
Eunice Maxine, who only went up to the second grade asked her son-in-law what the hell a volcano was. He scratched his head and told her that it's kind of like a big, gigantic pile of dirt with a dadgum hole in the middle.
Pervis' mama-in-law told him that her and her daughter have been after him to quit drinking for years and that this cockamamie story has finally put the frosting on the dadblamed cupcake for sure.
Pervis told his mother-in-law to follow him and he would personally show her the big old volcano. As they got close the volcano gently rumbled and spewed out a little bit of hot molten lava. A tiny piece about the size of a mosquito's navel landed on Eunice Maxine's blue gingham cotton pajamas instantly burning the pj's completely off.
Eunice Maxine let out a scream like she was being tickled in her groin region by a crazed adult possum. Her daughter Mrs. Pervis Diddlydoo (Cora Flo), heard all the screaming and ran outside dressed in her Calamity Jane house shoes and big burlap housecoat.
By now grandsons Winchester and Pervis Jr., had managed to roll their grandmother on the ground and were able to douse the flames. Wilbur, who was holding a shotgun said that lucky for granny, the 14 petticoats she was wearing helped keep the lava from burning all the way down to her thigh.
SIDENOTE: Cora Flo asked her husband what he is planning on doing about this damn volcano that has formed in their main pig pen. Pervis shrugged his shoulders, took a drink of Jack Daniels, and said that as best as he can tell they'll probably just end up using the volcano as one big old damn trash can.