The serenity of the peaceful village of Bottomley was shattered this morning after the residents were forced to evict a heterosexual couple for their unseemly behaviour.
Gay man Larry Sabu, 20, who lives next to the local youth club, told us that the unidentified heterosexual couple were seen walking hand-in-hand around the park and actually kissing in the local supermarket.
"They pressed their lips against each others in the frozen food aisle - right in front of some gay children who were buying lollipops. It's sick and unnatural", said Larry.
An urgent town meeting was held and the mayor declared that this type of thing cannot be allowed to happen.
He issued the most feared declaration available to the Bottomley local village council - EXCOMMUNICATION. From Bottomely. For a period of 28 days. Except at weekends and during the harvest festival.
"We are not prudes here in the village", said the mayor, "but what if the children start thinking that touching someone of the opposite sex is normal? Can you imagine what might happen? Fathers would be seducing sons, daughters making out with their mothers - just like they do in Texas".