Written by Sidney Bollocks
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Saturday, 9 October 2010

image for Judges given new guidelines to avoid causing offence
Is the law an ass?

Judges have been given new guidelines to ensure that they do not offend people who appear before them in court. These came to light during a recent case when a judge referred to a person as a 'gypsy'. The clerk of the court produced a document and advised the judge that this was unacceptable and that the individual should be referred to as a 'person from a travelling community'.

It is understood that other commonly used terms have also been replaced. Thieves and robbers will now be known as 'financially challenged persons'. Burglars will be known as 'uninvited house guests'. Murderers will be called 'accident prone people'. Paedophiles, rapists and other sex offenders will be known as 'affection-deprived persons'. People who habitually commit speeding offences will be described as 'eager'.

Magistrate James G. Hangem, from Burgess Hill in West Sussex, said "This is an absolute nonsense. They are all fucking criminals, no matter how you look at it. My personal favourite is 'nonce'. I wish more 'nonces' appeared before me".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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