Written by Morse
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Friday, 8 October 2010

image for Did Former Pirate from Manchester Win $175M Lottery? Mum's The Word Says His Barrister!
HMS Victory to be Time Shared? Lottery Winner Won't Confirm Rumour But Hires Estate Agent!

Despite universal silence on the matter, rumours are circulating that a former Pirate, butcher, and shite cook has scored the nation's biggest lotto payoff since Wayne Rooney & David Beckham made off with everything but the crown jewels in their last futbol contracts!

Fingers are pointing toward man of all seasons Martin Shuttlecock, AKA Skoob, as the winner of the big payout.

No one has been seen at the Shuttlecock manse since the drawing, with blinds sealed tight, the rabbit hutch in the back garden left empty with the door ajar, and even Scrappy the Cat not seen lurking under the tree where a nest of Lithuanians are homesteading hoping for some dropped table scraps.

Neighbors say the last time they saw the Shuttlecocks was when Martin was seen wearing a new hat replacing the $5 dollar one size fits all Pork Pie loving wife Anne purchased for him on eBay a fortnight ago.

Percey Gobshite, claiming to be a close friend, drinking companion, and acknowledged by residents to be as 'mad as a hatter', said Martin showed up in the afternoon wearing a brand new Stetson (R) Vented Lido hat with the price tag of $250 still dangling from the brim and a pair of black Air Jordon Nike trainers to match his Italian Leather Duster and Louis Vuitton leather business organizer...which appeared to be bursting at the seams.

"He was in a terrible hurry I'll say that," said a puzzled Percey, " yelling and screaming for wife Anne to grab the cat, free the rabbits, and take nowt but her purse....said the plane was leaving for Texas in 3 hours and they had to hurry!"

Investigators, fearing foul play, found a breakfast uneaten, a tea bag still steeping, and a laptop on and opened to an eBay page advertising used thumb splints. There was still a case of Stella in the fridge but an empty bottle of green Creme de Menthe was sticking to the breakfast table next to the TV changer.

An alert has been issued to all airports featuring international flights to be on the look out for a bloke, not a frog, but with a very long green tongue.

Meanwhile, Coalition Leaders, announcing that everything in the country is for sale in order to pay down debt, say that just after lunch a barrister approached them about purchasing the HMS Victory through a Portsmouth Estate Agent who said he represented a seafaring man who had come into 'a wee bit of money" and was interested in taking the hulk of the government's hands.

"Some kind of development scheme," said the Agent, " he was willing to buy it for cash as long as he had assurances he could do some renovations and convert it to 135 Time Share Flats, all with water views and it's own on board Pub!"

In Texas, AP Correspondent Abel Rodriquez, who gets all the news before it even happens, would neither confirm or deny that he was expecting visitors from abroad.

"My lips are sealed," he said, " we have enough problems with Chupacabras here, I don't need a junk yard dog with the habits of a Pirate complicating my life any more than it is, but naturally, if he show up here I'll take him in....especially if the BASTARD won all that money!"

At the Oasis Bar & Grill, a hand lettered sign appeared around 3PM stating, "Bartender Wanted...No Experience...Start Immediately."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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