Plans by Education Secretary Michael Gove to allow headmasters to discipline pupils "any time, any place, anywhere" face derision.
He told the Tory party conference: "At the moment heads are prevented from dealing with their pupils if they run wild in a shopping mall or behave anti-socially in town centres.
"So we will change the rules to send one clear - and consistent - message. Heads will have the freedom they need to keep pupils in line - any time, any place, anywhere."
"What a load of utter bosh, bunkum and balderdash," said top school head Dr Roger Latin-Vocab. "Gove really must try harder. This just isn't good enough.
"I mean can you imagine it? A youngster is in the crowd at the Arsenal and joins in with the traditional 'You're shit-ahhhhh' shout when the goalkeeper takes a dead ball kick - and there's a tap on his shoulder: 'See me after assembly on Monday, Thompson minor!'
"Or a couple of young chaps are running along when they hear someone bellowing: 'Venables! Horton-Finch! Walk, don't run you horrible little oiks!'
"Furthermore, Gove's oration skills need some work. 'Any place, anywhere' mean the same thing - stupid man!
"No, no, no - this won't do at all."
Additional reporting by Mrs Fields.