Written by IainB
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Wednesday, 6 October 2010

image for New British Driving Test
Will I fit in that gap?

To bring the British parking test into the 21st century, new elements will be introduced into the final test, and will have to be taught alongside traditional parts, such as parallel parking, emergency stops and hill starts. In order to make space for the new elements, older bits will have to be dropped.

First out is the reading the licence plate of a car ten feet away, because chances are it reads "BU99ERS" or something similar. As to reversing round a corner, nobody has done that since their test, at least not in the way they were shown. Also out is the three point turn, as most drivers go to the nearest t-junction and sweep round.

Coming into the test are more real-world situations. There is the parking in a car park element, in which learners are assessed on their ability to get as close to the entrance as possible, without taking off a wing mirror, or parking so close the passenger dents the door of the car next to them. Also coming in is driving through the Drive-Thru, with marks dropped for being too far from the window to collect food, or too close so the food cannot be passed into the window.

The final part of the test is more a test of endurance rather than ability, as the learner will sit in simulated (or real if they're near enough) roadworks for forty-five minutes. Marks will be awarded for calmness and preparedness - such as bringing a packet of crisps to eat, and a bottle to drink. Marks will be dropped for failure to move three inches when the car in front does.

"We believe this will improve Britain's roads," said Minister for Transport, Phil Hammond Eggs. "Drivers will be able to do the standard things drivers have to do, like safely pass something to a child on the back seat."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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