Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, a dashingly handsome 27 year old superstud (that part's pure fiction - ed) today expressed his dissatisfaction with an advert on his favourite website, TheSpoof.com
Shuttlecock bombarded site administrator Mark Lowton with E-Mails in protest at a series of ads currently running on TheSpoof.com, which implored the poor old sap to say YES to naughtiness.
Tempted by alluring pictures of sexy young women dressed in erotic lingerie and pouting for the cameras, Shuttlecock responded to the ad and was promised 'instant gratification.'
So, as long suffering wife Anne was having a well earned nap, Shuttlecock registered with the site in the ad, and washed his arse in the kitchen sink in eager anticipation of a visit from a pouting brunette sex bombshell.
Wearing a basque and suspenders, and high heeled shoes.
He didn't get that though.
What he did get was a ring on the doorbell from an elderly maiden on a mobility scooter who claimed to have once played international rugby for England Ladies, who explained that she was "gagging for it."
Having previously encountered said woman on an adults only weekend at Warner's on Hayling Island, Shuttlecock politely told the dippy old bat to 'fuck off' and set off on an expedition up the shops to buy more beer.
"Christ," he told us. "That was fucking scary. Whatever you do, don't mention this to the wife. Sexy brunette my arse. The creature from the black lagoon more like. On a fucking mobility scooter. She can fuck right off, she can. I'll have a stab at the bird up the chip shop. She might smell of lard, and have plasters on her fingers but at least she doesn't talk too loud and come over as a hard case. Failing that, there's always the wife. Fair enough, it's a tough job - but somebody has to do it."
More when Shuttlecock regains consciousness.*
* He's definitely not feeling himself right now. He's sort of semi-comatose and rambling about Catherine Zeta Jones bent over the kitchen sink. The old fool.