Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, was cock-a-hoop today as he succeeded in penning his 2,000th Spoof News story on popular satirical website TheSpoof.com. Indeed, so chuffed is Shuttlecock that he is contemplating donning his long leather coat and pork pie hat, jogging up the shops for a celebratory eight pack of Stella, and dancing across the car park like Fred Astaire on acid.
However, there is a downside to this tale of glorious Spoof achievement.
Long suffering wife, Anne, insists that Shuttlecock is a twat. And an idiot.
Amongst other things.
She told us:
"I don't know why he's so chuffed. The silly old bastard grafts his arse off writing stories for nothing, and spending more time with like-minded nut-jobs than he spends with me. He's an idiot. Full stop. He could be doing something useful like loading the Kangoo up with E-Bay crap and bringing me breakfast in bed occasionally. But no - he'd rather go out with the likes of CJ and Lynton and end up in the hospital pissed as a fart, bleeding with broken bones. Or exchange E-Mails with people from Texas and Florida and Canadian fish stretchers. And Eric Cantona, and that perverted priest, DuBois, or whatever his name is. And don't even get me started on Queen Mudder, Morse, the McCarthy fella, Monkey Woods, that pirate Captain, and the rest of that motley crew. I'll kill 'em all if I get the chance..."
An unrepentant Martin Shuttlecock told Anne to "do one" donned his leather coat, pork pie hat and shades, and set off up the shops in search of liquid refreshment.
But not in a gay way.
"I love The Spoof!" he said as he skipped off. "And I'll carry on Spoofing as long as the hole in me arse points south!"
Shuttlecock was last seen being questioned by Hampshire police officers.
"I told you he's an idiot," Long suffering wife Anne sighed as she unloaded a power jet washer (off E-Bay) from the Kangoo.
More as we get it.