Written by Sidney Bollocks
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Wednesday, 6 October 2010

image for Benefits funded my boob job
Ms Rooty-Fucknuckle considers giving our reporter another kick in the bollocks

As many families face losing benefits, or at the very least seeing them reduced, one unemployed single mother has decided to treat herself.

Schappelle Rooty-Fucknuckle, 34, has never worked, has five children by four different fathers and claims benefits which equate to a pre-tax annual salary of around 40 grand. She and her children live in a carboard box under a burnt out Ford Transit van in central Essex. Her children are clothed by Oxfam and have to take it in turns to attend school, as there is only one school uniform between them. Their only source of food is the roadkill they can pick up on the A12 between Chelmsford and Colchester.

Meanwhile, Ms Rooty-Fucknuckle, over the last 12 months, has invested in some remedial surgery for herself. This has included a boob job, a vaginal nip and tuck, some liposuction, a trout pout and a rebored rectum. In all, she has spent some fifty grand on herself, not including the array of new tattoos which she proudly displays. She is hopeful that all of this will lead to more children by more fathers, allowing her to increase her benefits.

In addition, the family have been on two exotic holidays already this year. In January, they had a week in Leicester. They have also had two weeks in Skegness.

When asked by our reporter to explain herself, she nutted him, kicked him in the bollocks and told him to fuck off and mind his own business. She did, however, claim to have got a good deal on her boob job, as she had used Katie Price's old implants.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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