London - (Prenup Mess): An audit of the Palace austerity budget has found millions of pounds raised via home loans on 'royal peculiars'.
These shadowy religious edifices come under HM's direct control without the bothersome tedium of Parliamentary screwtiny.
Last month a Commons report slammed the Queen's very own 'duck house' moment where £££s of taxpayer handouts were spent on dusting some chandeliers.
Now a Spoof news probe has uncovered hidden accounts showing mortgages secured on Hellfire Club temples will now bankroll William's wedding.
Earlier this year desperate wannabe princess Kate Middleton stamped her little well-shod foot and demanded a proper nuptial timetable.
A showdown with the future in-laws laid bare the alternative scenarios to a 'richly deserved' full-bling televised extravaganza.
Some of these 'options' could include publication of personal diaries, videotapes, text messages and suchlike documenting the lovebirds' decade-long tryst.
The undeniable logic of a proper public ceremony has become apparent to Palace flunkies charged with conjuring up 'thirty million quid' to pay for the 2011 shindig.
However, a tiny fly-in-the-ointment could scupper the whole wedding circus: a First Vatican Bank of Pyongyang final demand is threatening a repo order on Westmonster Abbey.
Luckily Prince Charles Taylor's 11th-hour rescue remedy suggested flogging off some royal 'blood diamonds' to fend off the baying hounds.
As the prince's baggage is normally wizzed through airport security no embarrassing unexpected checks are likely following his recent trip to India on a Commonwealth Games pretext.
"Blimmin cheek!" a royal protection racket officer commented today.