A warning has been received from Irish intelligence services that dozens of tourist attractions are under threat from Al-Qaeda terrorists.
Abdul O'Flaherty, a seventh generation Irishman of Iranian origin (and also a kebab shop owner), is in custody in Dublin on suspicion of providing material support to terrorists. This is believed to relate to an incident when a Garda officer saw him hand a napkin to a Pakistani customer in his kebab shop. When being interrogated by the Garda, he stated that a number of high profile targets, where many people are known to gather, were likely to be 'hosed down' with AK47s, supplied by the Real IRA.
When pressed further, and threatened with being forced to drink 10 pints of warm Guinness and suck on a pig's trotter, he revealed the likely targets. These include Slough Museum of Culture, Bristol Templemeads train station, Toxteth Library, the Glasgow Auditorium, Boston United's football ground, the Big Brother house, the House of Commons during a debate on reducing MP's allowances, a Frank Bruno comeback fight and a planned lecture by Prince Charles on the pros and cons of marrying somebody with a face like a cow's arse.
Police arrived at all of these venues, ready to evacuate members of the public. Inspector Brian Bastard, who coordinated the operation, said "We were surprised to find nobody at these venues, except for Beachy Head, where we found 500 suicidal people who were hopeful of dying, without having to jump 200 feet to their deaths. However, we obliged and shot the lot of them".
Prince Charles' press secretary issued a statement denying that the Prince's wife was ugly. At this point, his nose grew bigger and poked our reporter in the eye.