Written by Joe Leff
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Saturday, 15 January 2011

Dig this, gardening expert Alan Titchmarsh has been recruited as the top celebrity to take part in Channel 4's Reality TV contest 'The Village' in Wharfedale.

"Looking round Grassington, I've noticed that some of the residents need a bit of a rake-over, " he said. "And I'm sure I'll be able to tell them where to shove all that horse shit lying about in the streets."

If he wins more votes that the other 14 contestants, his prize will be a house in the village.

"I think Sycamore Cottage is ideal for a bit of gardening and pottering about, and watching the rain outside."

Alan Titchmarsh likes to water his garden just after it rains. "You can't trust rain these days," he says. "It always misses bits. Years ago it used to sile down. But it never does now. Besides, this garden's on a bit of a slope. Water needs to come in at the right angle."

With advice like that, the future looks swimmingly good for Grassington in Bloom.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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