Written by j.w.
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Topics: Labour, ed Miliband

Friday, 1 October 2010

image for Astonishing Labour Claims
RED MURDER

A startled Press Conference, hastily arranged to clash with publicity for the Conservative Party Conference, called by Ed Miliband - the new Labour leader - has astonished the whole establishment.

After many years in the wilderness the Labour party has fought off the Tories and become the Opposition. Commentators so used to having two Conservative Parties are searching the annals of history and find that it was 65 years ago that there was last a Labour Party.

'That should be long enough for anyone' said Miliband 'we are now going to see a real Opposition again.'

'Sun', 'Mail', 'Express' and 'Telegraph' headlines screamed blue murder, or red murder on consecutive days for weeks with larger and larger headlines until Blue (or Red) was on the front and Murder on the back of their papers.

But no one took any notice! The polls put Labour further and further ahead. People stopped buying newspapers and bought comics and football papers instead. 'Better stories' explained one housewife 'all this red and blue murder is getting on my nerves.' 'All I could read about on the Sports pages was Murder' claimed a West Ham supporter arm in arm with a Spurs fan.

I expected to wake up at any time but the Coalition ploughed on with cuts amid a cascade of anger. 'It will all be alright in the end' explained George Osborne 'their will be salvation for us if we suffer a little bit more.' Nick Clegg, finding his rating had dropped to 0.01%, was labelled the lowest rate of interest in the country.

As the Election approached, an aging Rupert Murdoch admitted 'I got it wrong'. 'You sure did' replied Edna Everidge 'turning down my Gladioli was a big mistake.'

I haven't woken up. I wonder if I will.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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