Royal Hospital showgrounds, Chelsea, London; Tuesday 24 May 2005 - (Associated Mess). Officers from the Metropolitan Police's elite Shrub Extermination sub-division this morning raided the Chelsea Flower Show and made several arrests in connection with the 1983 Brinks Matt bullion heist.
First into Black Mariah was so-called 80s style guru Sir Terrence Con-Artist - a notorious Russian gangster related to a former Queen-Mother impersonator from the Freeman family. He was taken to Belmarsh Jail and charged with crimes under the Offences to Good Taste Act after his latest Chelsea exhibit - "The Successful Bullion Heister's Courtyard Garden" - was awarded a Silver-Guilt medal by RHS judges late last night.
Next , Daily Telegraph columnist and self-taught gardening plagiarist Dan 'The Man' Pearson was shackled and thrust into the back of an SO13 unmarked van which then sped off in the direction of Wormwood Scrubs following a tip-off that he had buried rather more than compost under newly planted trees and bushes in an ornamental kitch garden owned by an ID theft former KGB hooker calling herself HRH Princess Michael. "But it was all good organic stuff", he wailed as startled RHS members watched on while touring his bronze medal winning "Intermediate Con Artist's Cotswold Garden".
A flurry of excitement then rippled through the crowd as a scuffle broke out in the VIP area of the Show near to where this year's Miss Chelsea Flowers - Downing Street lifestyle guru Ms Carole Caplin - was unceremoniously escorted to a padded white transit van following a successful investigation by Metropolitan Police officers into the Galloway 'Oil-for Fraud' scam. "She's his daughter", someone croaked as the Fragrant One was sped away to Holloway for a warm welcome from former inmates still serving time under Her Majesty's Pleasure scheme for recidivists.
Then, with the BBC Outside Broadcasting Unit cameras still rolling, a fleet of Royal Parks Agency turbo-powered bulldozers thundered their way from the Royal Hospital Road showground entrance and completely obliterated this year's designer gourmet garden plagiarised by restaurateur Gordon Ramsay in his debut RHS entry entitled "The HSBC/God's Banker/ Hoodwinking-the-Punters-EuroTrash-Garden" which features a life-like reproduction of scaffolding proppping up Blackfriars Bridge as the main water-feature element in its design.
A spokesman for the Flying Squad confirmed that this was probably the "best ever Chelsea" Day One that the elite unit had had since the day that Robert Maxwell was found floating under his yacht The Ghislaine off the Azores - and inadvertantly inspired a plethora of Charlie-Dimmockesque mirror-clad water features of beached whales lying on mounains of olives in the Mediterranean Water Garden category.
Tickets are still available to the Show.